Two Years

 
  Two years ago today at 5:18am Carina Leigh was born. I hate that it has been two long years since I have held her. It is hard to imagine what life would be like if she was here. She would be a toddler now... running around, playing and fighting with Lane and Ava. Our household would be even more chaotic than it is now! What I wouldn't give to share this life with her... to hear her giggles along with the other two, to feel her arms squeeze around my neck. Instead of knowing these joys I am left with the ache and sorrow of simply imagining and wondering what would have been.

It is hard to know what to do with ourselves on July 12th now. After all, it is both Carina's birthday and the anniversary of her death. It is a day of celebration and of mourning. This evening we went to her grave and planted flowers and put a butterfly at her grave. Jeremy, Lane and Ava had made cupcakes. So, we sang "Happy Birthday" and "We Miss You" and the kids blew out her candles.

It is hard to answer Lane's questions and see him wrestle with the concept of death. Last year we left balloons go for her birthday. This year he wanted balloons again so he could send a cupcake with them for her. He wanted to know when she is coming to live with us again. He was confused by the lyrics from "The Gospel Song" that say "By His death, I live again". He was thinking that she would live again with us here on earth some day. Try explaining that to a little boy who misses his sister. It rips my heart out.

But still I trust my Father who freely gave up His own Son for my sake. I rest knowing that all of this is for our good. I rest knowing that Carina is in His care doing just what she was created for. She is worshiping God, and so I will worship, too.

Carina, we love and miss you more than words can say. Every day is spent wishing you were here. We long for the day when we will know you. Happy Birthday, sweet girl. Hugs and kisses from all of us... xo xo xo xo...